= Page 2 =


As with the First Page,

Beyond this point:

1.  Anything goes 

2.  Nothing is sacred

3.  Puns run rampant















If you are easily offended, please click the back button on your browser now.















You Have been Warned








-=The Second Batch=-

This is the list of tag-- er, signature lines I am currently using.  Some of these appear on Page 1, some do not, and some that appear below do not appear on Page 1.

|| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | ! ||

Back to Page 1

"                                     " --Harpo Marx


2's company, 3's an orgy, 4's a poker game, 5's an orgy.

"16 Hawaiian Love Songs" by Kamanawanaleha -- Now on CD!

500,000,000 sperm to chose from, & you were the fastest?

100% of people who breathe die.



(A)bort (R)etry (B)ounce cat on keyboard

(A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer.

A cat by any other name is still a sneaky little furball.

A cat's worst enemy is a closed door.

A cat without a hairball gland ... is only half a cat!

"A child of five would understand this.  Send someone to fetch a child of five." –Groucho Marx

ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS! Das Internet is nicht fuer gefingerclicken und giffengrabben.  Ist easy droppenpacket der routers und overloaden der backbone mit der spammen unt der me-tooen.  Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen.  Das mausklicken sichtseeren keepen das bandwit-spewin hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das cursorblinken.

Acme Corp: Unlimited credit for disadvantaged coyotes

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." –Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), Mostly Harmless

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. (Arthur Bloch)

"A computer lets you make mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." –Mitch Ratcliffe Technology Review, April 1992

A cross?  Oy, veh.  Have *you* got the wrong vampire.

A day without sunshine is like ... normal in Seattle.

A dog sees God in his owner.  A cat looks in the mirror.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." –Erica Jong

A .44 Magnum beats ANY number of Aces....

"A friend is someone who can see through you and still enjoys the show." –Farmer's Almanac

After things go from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself."A good government produces citizens distinguished for courage, love of justice, and every other good quality; a bad government makes them cowardly, rapacious, and the slave of every foul desire." –Dionysius of Halicarnassus, 20 BC."

A good government produces citizens distinguished for courage, love of justice, and every other good quality; a bad government makes them cowardly, rapacious, and the slave of every foul desire." –Dionysius of Halicarnassus, 20 BC.

A good story cannot be devised; it has to be distilled.  -- Raymond Chandler, 1888 - 1959

A good storyteller is a person who has a good memory and hopes other people haven't.  -- Irvin Shrewsbury Cobb

A half hour of begging does *NOT* constitute as foreplay.

"Ah has spoken!" –M. Yokum

"Ale spew puddle brew, boys, throw it up clean..." –I. Anderson

All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.

"All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move." –Benjamin Franklin

"All over China, parents tell their children to stop complaining and to finish their quadratic equations and trigonometric functions because there are sixty-five million American kids going to bed with no math at all." --Michael Cunningham, (1952-)

All Scottish food is based on a dare.

All stressed out, and no one to choke.

"All writing is creating or spinning dreams for other people so they won't have to bother doing it themselves." –Beth Henley, playwright, 1987

"A lot of background in books is like that; the author doesn't actually *know* much about this or that bit, but she creates a soap-bubble illusion (a few facts stretched over a lot of hot air) that makes the reader accept a greater depth of knowledge than she in fact possesses." --Patricia C. Wrede

"A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams." –John Barrymore

A man's place is in the bedroom.

"America takes drugs in psychic defense." –Iggy Pop

A mighty oak results from a nut that held its ground.

A mind is a terrible thing to. . . OOOOH!  E-mail!

"A mind’s journey begins with a single Why?" –N. Bouffard

Ancestors not found ... do I really exist?

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?" –Will Rogers

And all I can say, now, is ain't it a shame.

"...And I didn't even *have* a little dog Toto." –T. Stankus

"And I live down the end of your road." –I. Anderson

...and from the basement, he conducts the overture.

And NOW for something COMPLETELY different. . . !

And Satan said to God, "But where will YOU get a lawyer?"

"And the Mouse Police never sleeps. . ." –I.Anderson

And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight!

And the prompter in his corner is sorry that he came. –I. Anderson

...and when wealth comes, follow your heart. Wealth does no good if you're glum. –Unknown Ancient Egyptian quoted by Terry Jones in Hidden History: Egypt

"and ye shall throw money at the problem" --Government 19:3

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. –Niels Bohr

An it harm none, do as ye will.

Any idiot can face a crisis.  It's this day to day living that wears you out. –Anton Chekhov

Anyone willing to work at it has potential as a writer. –MB

Anything invented before your fifteenth birthday is the order of nature.  That's how it should be.  Anything invented between your 15th and 35th birthday is new and exciting, and you might get a career there.  Anything invented after that day, however, is against nature and should be prohibited. –Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Apathists of the world . . . ah, forget it.

A person needs only two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape. –Unknown

A pessimist is an optimist with experience.

A place is yours when you know where all the roads go. –Stephen King

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. –Herm Albright

Arble barble gleep!

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

...a replica of the Taj Mahal, made entirely of margarine

Are the voices in my head bothering you?

Are you still here? The message is over. Shoo! Go away!

"Are you stoned or stupid?" "Stoned, what's your excuse?"

Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

Are you sure it isn't time for a colourful metaphor?

Are you sure? (Y)es (N)o (W)hat was the question?

"Are you sure your sanity chip is fully in?" –Kryten

"Are you the police?"              "No ma'am, we're musicians."

A Road-kill cook is a Manifold Chef.

Art is a selective re-creation of reality according to an artist's metaphysical value-judgments.  An artist recreates those aspects of reality which represent his fundamental view of man's nature. –Ayn Rand

As breathing is my life, I dare not dare to stop. –J. Lennon

Ashington: The Ever Grey State.

A simple, childlike faith in a Divine Friend solves all the problems that come to us by land or sea. –Helen Keller

Ask the Green Man where he comes from ... –I. Anderson

A SOCIAL LIFE?  Where can I download THAT from?

Asphalt = Proctologist's malpractice insurance

As popular as a pay toilet in a diarrhea ward.

Asps; very bad. You go first. –Sallah

Assassins! –Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra

"A stitch in time saves 9", said Cock Robin from the wall. –I. Anderson

at began: Once upon a Mobius strip, there was a story th

At bottom, every man knows perfectly well that he is a unique being,only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time. –Friedrich Nietzsche, philosopher (1844-1900)

At first there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light!' Then there was still nothing. But you could see it.

Atheists have no one to talk to at orgasm.

A wise man is one who has finally discovered that there are some questions to which nobody has the answer. –Unknown

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Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch!

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Bad or missing mouse - boot the Cat (Y/n)?

Bad spellers of the world YOOKNIGHT!

Be careful what you wish for; you might get it. –Uhura

Been there, did that again <just to check>. –C. McKee

Been there, done that, dust with the T-shirt.

Better living through alchemy.

Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.

Beulah! Peel me a grape. –Mae West

"Be who you are and say what you feel 'cause people who mind don't matter, and people who matter don't mind." –Theodor Seuss Geisel "Dr. Seuss" (1904-1991)

Blind people don't Bungee jump; it scares the dog.

BOEING:  Bits Of Engine In Numerous Gardens

Boldly going forward because we can't find reverse!

Borgasm: The ecstasy felt while being assimilated...

"Bother," said Pooh as he flipped to full auto.

Brave the man who sets his course for Albion. –I. Anderson

Bring me my broadsword and clear understanding. –I. Anderson

Bullwinkle was just caught moose-turbating. –C. Thames

But he has such *good* ideas!

"'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.  'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'  'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.  'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"  ---Lewis Carroll

But is is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. –Oscar Wilde

But then, this and a buck-fifty will buy you a latte. –B. Jernigan

"But what ... is it good for?" –Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

But what the hell, we didn't even pass an audition. –I. Anderson

By the way: The lab called -- your brain's ready.

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Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye.

Call me that again, and I'll stick pins in your doll.

Canada: C eh N eh D eh --M. Nellis

CanaDOS: Yer sure, eh?  (B)eauty! (N)o way! (T)ake off!

CAT.COM started.  Computer will hack furball in 5 seconds.

Cats: God's way of telling you your furniture is too nice

Cat toys: Anything not nailed down, and some that are.

CAUTION!!!  Do NOT look at laser with remaining eye.

CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today

Celibacy is NOT hereditary.

Celebrate the Seattle Rain Festival - July 1 thru June 30

"Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate nin iam adesse."

Change is inevitable -- except from a vending machine.

Change is the watchword of progression. When we tire of well-worn ways, we seek for new. This restless craving in the souls of men spurs them to climb, and to seek the mountain view. –Ella Wilcox

Chernobyl used Microsoft Windows. Look where it got THEM.

Chicken flyin' everywhere around the plane. . .

Children: Automatic Irritation Systems

Chipmunks roasting on a open fire ...

Christmas Spirit is not what you drink. –I. Anderson


Click ... click ... click ... damn, out of taglines!

Coffee: a legal drug addiction with free refills!

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. –Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

Conclusion: (n) The exact site where a particular train of thought was derailed.

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free practice thereof. –First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States


Converted cannibal: On Fridays, he eats only fisherman.

Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Hehehe

CORN?! We've been waiting hundreds of years this! –Fire Sign Theater

Courage is found in unlikely places. –J. R. R. Tolkien (1892 - 1973)

Courage is like love - it must have hope to nourish it. –Napoleon Bonaparte

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. –Ambrose Redmoon

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. –Quotations of Courage & Vision

Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots. –Frank A. Clark

Critics are by no means the end of the law.  Do not think all is over with you because your articles are rejected.  It may be that the editor has his drawer full, or that he does not know enough to appreciate you, or you have not gained a reputation, or he is not in a mood to be pleased.  A critic's judgment is like that of any intelligent person.  If he has experience, he is capable of judging whether a book will sell. That is all.  --Lavina Goodell, junior editor of Harper's Bazaar, 1866

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DalekDOS: (S)eek (L)ocate (E)xterminate!!!

The day is okay, and the sun can be fun ...  --BOC

Death is a punishment to some, to some a gift, and to many a favor. –Seneca

"Deck us all with Boston Charlie, Walla Walla, Wash, and Kalamazoo!  Nora's freezin' on the trolley, Swaller dollar cauliflower Alleygaroo!  Don't we know archaic barrel, Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.  Trolley Molly don't love Harold,  Boola Boola Pensacoola Hullabaloo!" --Walt Kelly

DE JA FU: A feeling that things have been this FU'ed before.

DELTA:  Don't Ever Leave The Airport

Democracy: 3 wolves & a sheep voting on what's for lunch.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Did I not meet you in some other hallucination?

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Discordianism: Where reality is a figment of your imagination

Disk Failure: (C)old boot (W)arm boot (S)teel-toed boot ?

"`Ditto', you Provincial pest?" –Headly Lamarr

Do I seem to remember now, 2 creatures about 8' tall? –I. Anderson

Do not disturb.  Already disturbed enough.

Don't sweat the little petty things, pet the little sweaty things.

*DON'T* call me `Tiny' –Sulu

Don't come to Seattle, the sun don't shine up here. –Stanislove

Don't dream it, be it! –F.N. Furter

Don't give *me* that kinkier than thou look.

Don't need a new religion, haven't used up the old one.

Don't stand between the dog and the fire hydrant.

Don't those I-love-me jackets come in anything but white?

Do, or do not.  There is no try. –Yoda

Do what you need to make you feel better. –A. Parsons

Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone! –G. Carlin

The dreams you'd hear if the streets could talk.

Druids are a non-prophet organization!

Drunks start fights.  Potheads laugh about them.

Dumb luck beats sound planning every time.  Trust me.

Dyslexic State Trooper spends all night handing out IUDs.

"d'yu Hey, Cheech! Show me a trick."      "GOOMPH!!"      "*!*"

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Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jets.

ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo

Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness.  It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd. –Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964)

Efficiency is intelligent laziness. –Arnold H. Glasow

...equal opportunity heretic.


Error level 001 from COSMOS.CFG. Reboot Universe? (Y/N)

Error message: Like, Dude, something went wrong.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. –Will Rogers

Even Paradise has its ants. –C.McKee

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? –George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

Everybody! "He's a lumberjack and he's okay...."

"Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects."  --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Everybody is strange. Some of us are proud of it. –kw

Everybody know there is a no Sanity Clause! –Chico Marx

Everybody's jumping on the circus train. –I. Anderson

Everybody's so different; I haven't changed. –J. Walsh

Every dog has its day, but the night belongs to us cats!

"Every guy just looks in his own pocket and then votes.  And the funny part of it is that it's the last year of an administration that counts.  [A president] can have three bad ones and then wind up with everybody having money in the fourth, and the incumbent will win so far he needn't even stay up to hear the returns.  Conditions win elections, not speeches." -–Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.  -–Elbert Hubbard

Every man’s religion is good.  There is none of it bad.  We are all trying to arrive at the same place according to our own conscience and teachings.  It don’t matter which road you take. -–Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Every nation must have its legalized form of gambling.  We have our Wall Street.  -–Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.  --Henry Lewis Mencken (1880-1956)

Every novel sounds stupid when boiled down to 5 pages. –P. Wrede

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together. –Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

Everyone has a photographic memory; some don't have film.

Everything is changing.  People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.  --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Everything looks impossible for the people who never try anything. –Jean-Louis Etienne

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. –Bill Maher

Evolution is a harsh mistress.

Explain counter-clockwise to someone with a digital watch.

The eyes shout what the lips fear to say.  --Will Henry

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Failure reading left brain. (A)bort (R)etry (F)rolic?

Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. –George Seaton

Faux pas: n. those things at the ends of a cat's legs.

"FBI!  Drop the sword, Macleod; I have questions." –F. Mulder

Ferrets: Chaos theory with fur, claws, and a slight odour.

Fifty years for movies to go from silent to unspeakable.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. –The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

Filing cabinet: a place things get lost alphabetically.

First listen to sermon, THEN eat missionary.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. –Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"Fishing, stranger?"                              "Nope, just drowning worms."

"FIVE is right out..." –M.Python

Flamers have uncontrollable vowel movements.

Flap-doodle, flap-doodle, kitty-kitty cow-cow.

Flashlight: (n) A carrying case for two or more dead batteries.

Follow white flecked spindrift; float on a moonkissed sea. –I. Anderson

For every complex problem, there is a solution that's simple, neat, and wrong. –Henry Louis Mencken

Forgive your enemies but never forget their names. –John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

"For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them." --Aristotle

Found: Weird tagline.  Call with description to claim.

Freedom defined is freedom denied. (Illuminatus)

Freedom has only the meaning with which men endow it.  It is not enough to pay lip service to the concept of religious liberty.  We must pay heart service to it as well, else it remains an empty phrase instead of a living reality. –Kenneth B. Keating

Friends don't let friends drive Chevies.

Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.

Friend: (n) Some who still likes you, after getting to know you.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. –George Carlin

"From famine to feast and back to famine again" –Skywise

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. –Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

Fundies need to believe that man is the apex of creation, when actually he is the ex-ape. –K. Rhodes

Fur ball encountered in drive C: (A)bort (R)etry (P)et

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Genealogy without documentation is mythology.

Gene pool:  CAUTION! No lifeguard on duty.

Genitalia is not an Italian airline.

Get a taste of religion ... Lick a witch!

Get your motor runnin'.  Head out on the highway.

Give to the Verbal Diarrhea Fund.  It can be stopped!

Go ahead and jump - 30,000 lemmings can't be wrong!

"God does not play dice with the universe." –Albert Einstein

Go down on velvet green with a country man. –I. Anderson

"God is Dead" –Neitzsche              "Neitzsche is dead" –God

"God not only plays dice with the universe, but he hides the dice." –Stephen Hawking

Go hence, and sin more creatively next time.

Gonna find my inner child & kick its little ass. –J. Walsh

Good frame of mind, but no picture.

Good music is very close to primitive language. –Denis Diderot, philosopher (1713-1784)

Goodness has nuthin' to do with it, Dearie. –M. West

Good nyborg, man.

Gore Thunderbird for Vidal wine." –R.Williams

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

Graduate of Darth Vader School of Personnel Management.

Graduate of the Uncle Fester School of Party Etiquette.

Graduate, Yoda school of English, I am.

Greetings!  Well met, fellow.  Hail! –I. Anderson

Grow your own dope.  Plant a politician.

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Happiness is a functional twit filter. –J. McNeill

::Happy Dance::Happy Dance::Happy Dance::Happy Dance::

Have a Liszt; gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet when baroque.

Have I found God...?  Why?  Have you lost her again?

Have you ever loved a lover of the old elastic truth? –I. Anderson

Heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication... --SS


He is YOUR God, they are YOUR rules, YOU burn in hell!

Here's a sight to make you drool, 7 virgins and a mule...

He's been described as "pussy whipped".  How is this done?

He's got a point . . . bless his little head.

He's watching me watching you watching him watching me. –I. Anderson

He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous. –Shakespeare

He was dropped on his head when he was quite small ... –I. Anderson

He who dies with the most TAGLINES wins!

He who forgives ends a quarrel. –African Proverb

"Hex Dump" - Where witches put used curses.

Hi, I'm a tagline.  When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!

Hi, I'm from the Government.  I'm here to help you.

HOME: Clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. –Christion Morgenstern, writer (1871-1914)

Honk if you like obscene gestures.

Houston, we have a problem here ...

How did the conversation get to where we came to blows? –I. Anderson

"How do you know so much about everything?" was asked of a very wise and intelligent man; and the answer was "By never being afraid or ashamed to ask questions as to anything of which I was ignorant." – John Abbott

"How can I prove I'm mortal?" –Q                     "Die." –Worf

How he got in my pajamas, I'll *never* know! –G.Marx

How many cigarettes did I bring along? –Ian Anderson

How many Zen Masters does it take a light bulb to change?

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Hugs...one size fits all, and they're easy to exchange.

Human: Useful domestic animal popular with cats.

The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the telling; the comic and the witty upon the matter.  -- Mark Twain, 1835 - 1910

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

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I always prefer to believe the best of everybody - it saves so much trouble. –Rudyard Kipling

I am Dyslexia of Borg, Prepare to have your ass laminated

I am Foofoo of Borg, prepare to be bop...er, assimilated.

I am McGarrett of Borg. Assimilate 'em, Danno!

I am NOT a pack rat! I'm a COLLECTOR! –anon

I am not young enough to know everything. –Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

I AM waving all my fingers. Some are folded for stability

I believe in original sin, the more original, the better!

I can remember doing the Time Warp [*kick*kick*]

I can't even *find* amok, let alone run one!

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I dont need. –Francois-Auguste Rodin (1840-1917)

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.

I come from a long line of bootleggers and horse thieves.

I could keep an angered Bard in bed and board for life.

I could show you my favorite obsession.

Ideas come to me at unexpected moments, like when I'm working with people on a completely different topic -- which is very frustrating for those unfortunate people.

I'd free my mind, but then it might not come back.

I died--but I got better.

"I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing." –Oscar Wilde, Irish poet, dramatist, author (1856-1900)

I'd love to, but I'm teaching my Parrot to yodel.

I'd love to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

I DO have a clue; wait while I remember where I put it...

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. –Galileo Galilei

I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. –Will Rogers, Saturday Review, Aug. 25, 1962

"I drank WHAT!?" –Socrates

I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass... –W. A. Yankovich

If a man does his best; what else is there? –General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

If a man is called to be a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper that did his job well. —Martin Luther King Jr., 1954

If at first you don't succeed, del *.* and forget it!

If at first you don't succeed - to hell with it.

If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. –M.H. Alderson

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked??

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now. –Larry Wright

I feed them to the fish and watch them swim sideways --RW

I fell asleep on the cab stand of life.

If God took acid, would He see people?

If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week. –Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

If it makes sense, expect the Government not to do it.

If it's built after 1973, it ain't a Mustang!

If it's painful for you to criticize your friends, you're safe in doing it; if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that's the time to hold your tongue. –Alice Duer Miller

If it's Tourist Season why can't we shoot'em???

If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO!!

If it works, rip it apart and find out why! –E.Weems

"If I were any closer, I'd be behind you." –G. Marx

If I were a slug, I'd be gooing places.

If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little more. –The Journal of J. Renard

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, who'd make the sound?

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. –J. R. R. Tolkien

I, for one, would rather follow softer options. –I. Anderson

"I fought the Dharma, and the Dharma won." (Allen Ginsberg)

If rules were logical, men would ride side-saddle.

If the car industry behaved like the computer industry over the last 30 years, a Rolls-Royce would cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and blow up once a year killing all passengers inside.

If the whole world IS out to get you, it's not paranoia.

If they were real psychics, not only would they call me, they'd have the answer to my question.

If this were an actual tagline, it would be funny.

If today was a fish, I'd have it bronzed!

If today was a fish, I'd throw it back.

If you buttered a cat's back, what side would it land on?

If you don't do what you want to, you'll get sick. –Mom

If you don't like my mood, wait five minutes.

If you don't like the weather, wait, it'll change.

If you don't move your vowels, you get consonated.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If your attack is going really well--it's an ambush.

If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet. –Keith Richards

If you're happy and you know it, clank your chains.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If you wear a warmer sporran, you can keep the foe at bay –I. Anderson

If you were any weirder, you'd be a Canadian –L. Campbell

If you write in the dust, PLEASE don't date it. –anonymous

I get a headache trying to think down to your level.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I had my car's alignment checked... it's Chaotic Evil.

I hate flowers.  I only paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move. –Georgia O'Keeffe, 1887-1986

I have a collect call for anyone in this dimension ...

I have a firm grip on reality.  Now I can strangle it!

I have a mind like a steel swiss cheese!

I have an open mind: My brains keep falling out!

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time. –Josh Billings

I have not failed.  I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. –Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

I have often regretted my speech never my silence. –Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

I have thought and smoked on the matter. –Old Lodgeskins

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. –The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

I just injured a groin muscle, good thing it wasn't mine.

I just washed my fingers and can't do a thing with them.

"I know Engineers: they just LOVE to CHANGE things." –Leonard "Bones" McCoy

I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.

I like free. I can almost afford it. –M. Tauson

I'll get you, my little G.I.! –H. Hannah

I'll have my cream in a chilled saucer, if you please.

I'll keep an eye peeled. riiiiiiiip ... ow ...

I love deadlines.  I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. –Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

I love working on computers.  Hand me the axe, please.

I'm allergic to Mondays.

I'm a wild and a untamed thing!

I'm completely sane, ALL my inner voices tell me so!

I'm confused. Are we with the pirates or with the frog captain?  –Floyd, Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

I'm creative -- you can't expect me to be neat, too! –anonymous

I'm currently experiencing synaptic core breach.

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm livin' for givin' the Devil his due! –B.O.C.

I'm locked inside a chocolate factory... DON'T send help!

I'm meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelting!

"...I am not a morning person (in much the same way that the stars are not fruit-bats)..." –Neil Gaiman

I met, not long ago, a young man who aspired to become a novelist.  Knowing that I was in the profession, he asked me to tell him how he should set to work to realize his ambition. I did my best to explain.  'The first thing,' I said, 'is to buy quite a lot of paper, a bottle of ink, and a pen.  After that you merely have to write.' –Aldous Huxley, novelist (1894-1963)

I'm not dead. I'm electroencephelographically challenged.

I'm not loafing; I'm doing research on inertia.

I'm not so think as you stoned I am.

I'm not stressed, you're just very annoying!

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn Monroe

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention.


I'm the slime oozin' out from your TV set. –F. Zappa

I'm tired of bouncing back.  It's somebody else's turn.

I'm traveling down the road & I'm flirtin with disaster. –M. Hatchet

In 10,000 years, no one has ever died from marijuana.

In high-rise city canyons dwells the discontent of ages. –I. Anderson

"Insanity is just a state of mind." –Hawkeye Pierce

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything?  If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. –Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

In the dead of night, love bites.

In Time.  Per mare per terras.  Fraoch Eilean!

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. –Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Invalid thought detected. Close all mental processes and restart body.

I pick my nose in your general direction!

I remember doing the time warp ... –R. Raff

"I said a BUD light!" –Joan of Arc

I see a dark sail on the horizon. –I. Anderson

Is it ignorance or apathy?  I don't know and don't care.

I sit on the floor and pick my nose and think of dirty things.

Is that a European swallow, or African swallow?

"I suppose they are vicious rascals, but it scarcely matters what they are. I'm after what they know." (Gibson-Sterling, The Difference Engine)

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. –W.C. Fields

I take a simple view of living.  It is, keep your eyes open and get on with it. –Sir Laurence Olivier

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. –George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

It is an ACME Bird and Game Call, so it must be good, considering how great their giant anvils and jet-propelled skates are. –Paul Collins

It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies. –Arthur Calwell

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling (1967)

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. –The Little Prince

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. –William G. McAdoo

It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness. –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

It isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. –Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

I tried to catch my eye but I looked the other way ... –I. Anderson

It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.

It's a full moon and I have church!  Must I spell it out?

"It's a kimchee pot! FRANK! Ya struck COLESLAW!" –B. Pierce

It's always something. –R. Roseannadanna

It's a man!  A man made out of tin!! –D. Gale

"It's clearly a budget.  It's got a lot of numbers in it." –GW Bush

It's Ensign Extra.  He's toast, Jim.

It's gonna be Monday aaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll week!

It's important that people know what you stand for.  It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for. –Mary H. Waldrip

"It's in the basement. I'll go upstairs and look." –m.c. escher

It's just a jump to the left. . .

It's not that I mind being chained in the basement...

It's not the gun that kills but the man behind. –I. Anderson

It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. –Mae West

It's not the size of the dog in the fight; it's the size of the fight in the dog. –Mark Twain (1835-1910)

It's not the years, it's the mileage.

It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a hobby ...

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

It's so dreamy.  Oh, fantasy, free me! –Magenta

It wants to know what we has on our hardriveses, Precious

It was 2am, it was Seattle . . . and I was grungy.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. –Stephen Wright

I've been chasing dreams for so long... –I.Cara

I've been warned that you and your friends are crazy –I. Anderson

I've finally reached bottom!  What's that sulfur smell?

I've got a plan so cunning you can put a tail on it and call it a weasle. –Blackadder

"I've noticed that the press tends to be quite accurate, except when they're writing on a subject I know something about." (Keith F. Lynch)

I want to look at life in the available light. –N. Peart

I was hibernating!  Don't you know how to take a pulse?

I willed my body to science.  They contested the will.

I wish I had an eagle like you to look up to. –I. Anderson

I wish life had a scroll-back buffer.....

I wouldn't pee in his ear if his brain was on fire.

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Jeffery Dahmer to Lorena Bobbitt: "You gonna eat that?"

"Jim, you adolescent twit!" –George Willard

Judging from the taste, I'd say the other one is shinola.

Jumbo shrimp.  Isn't that a contradiction?

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Just another square peg in a round hole society –lmp

Just because it's impossible is no reason not to do it.

Just hand over the chocolate, and nobody gets hurt.

Just how much whiz is in Cheese Whiz?

Just play the gig, man. Never get involved in politics. –Dr. Teeth, Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Just wait 'til he puts on his headphones. –F.F. Cat

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Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions.  Small people always do that, but the really great make you become great. –Mark Twain

Keep the rubber side down.

Klahowya!  Kahta mika, elip ats?

Klahowya!  Kahta mika, sihks?

Klingon Prompt: Strike any user when ready.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Lad, I don'know where ye bin, but I see ye won 1st prize!

Ladies say "I'm sorry, Dear"; Lauries say "Get over it!"

Language is the armory of the human mind; and at once contains the trophies of its past, and the weapons of its future conquests. –Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet, critic, and philosopher (1772-1834)

Legalize ALL drugs and end the violence!

Let's all go to the Magician's birthday! –Uriah Heep

Let's break the journey now on some lonely road. –I. Anderson

Let's do the Time Warp again.

Let those that love us, love us.  And those that don't, may God turn their hearts.  And, if He cannot turn their hearts, May He turn their ankles so we may know them by their limping! –Irish blessing

Life: a roller coaster designed by a sadist.

Life's a bitch -- but some of the puppies are cute.

Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "fuck! What a ride". -- Mrs. Soup

"Listen or your tongue will keep you deaf." –Native American Proverb

Living History: If the visitors don't cringe, you're doing it wrong.

Living life in ten minute chunks. . . –lmp

"Logic is a little bird, tweeting in a meadow of flowers that smell bad." --Spock

"Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Arrrgh', he'd just say it." –King Arthur

"Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

"Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago."  --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Lost on the M.C. Escher Memorial Interchange.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Love is friendship set on fire. –Jeremy Taylor

Love is like war; easy to begin but very hard to stop. –H.L. Mencken, writer, editor, and critic (1880-1956)

LSD: Virtual Reality without all the expensive hardware!

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Mae West is my role model.

Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true. –Sir Francis Bacon

Man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. –Chinese proverb

Mashed potatoes can be your friend. –W.A. Yankovich

Meanwhile back in the Year One. . . –I. Anderson

"MEOW"...splat..."RUFF"...splat...(raining cats & dogs)

Michael Rennie was ill the day the earth stood still ...

Mind you, moose bites can be quite nasty. –M. Python

Misspelled?  Impossible.  My modem is error correcting!

Money is human happiness in the abstract: he, then, who is no longer capable of enjoying human happiness in the concrete devotes his heart entirely to money. -Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher (1788-1860)

Moosehead: Great beer, and a new experience for the moose

Mother's milk leads to *everything*! –G. Carlin (1937 - 2008)

Mouseketeer roll call: Sound off now!

_'M ST_P_D "Pat, I'd like to buy an O."

Must go - have to rub some lard on the cat's boil!!

My biological pencil is running out of lead.

My brain is tired and my feet are numb. –I. Anderson

My, but you look kempt, ruly, and shevelled today! –C. Thames

My dreams are for dreaming and best left that way... –I. Anderson

My family coat of arms ties in the back...is that normal?

My family tree has dry rot.

My family tree has Dutch Elm Disease.

"My God! The thought of that evil man, loose in London--with money, from God only knows what source--fomenting riot and rebellion during a public emergency--and in control of an Engine-driven press! It's nightmarish!" (Gibson-Sterling, "The Difference Engine")

My hard drive has a fur ball, my cat has bad sectors.

My house is a mess but my Hard Drive isn't!

My inner child is now on a milk carton.

My kid brother is the white sheep of the family.

My last brain cell died this morning of loneliness.

My mind's like a blotter: soaks it up; gets it backwards.

My mind's like a steel trap: rusty & illegal in 19 states

My OTHER personality is perfectly well-adjusted.

My poor mouse... It only has one ball. –ms

My reality check just bounced.

My tongue is asleep ... and my teeth itch.

My train of thought derailed.

My veal cutlet tried to beat the shit out of my cup of coffee... the coffee just wasn't strong enough to defend himself. (Tom Waits)

My vocabulary dwells deep in my mind and needs paper to wriggle out into the physical zone. Spontaneous eloquence seems to me a miracle. I have rewritten-often several times-every word I have ever published. My pencils outlast their erasers. –Vladimir Nabokov, 1899-1977

My whole theory of writing I can sum up in one sentence. An author ought to write for the youth of his own generation, the critics of the next and the schoolmasters of ever afterward.  --F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)

My word's but a whisper, your deafness, a shout. –I. Anderson

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Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.  --Mary Ellen Kelly

NativeWet-coasters can identify and name 47 shades of grey.

Never caught us - and never will. –I. Anderson

Never try to make anyone like yourself - you know, and God knows, that one of you is enough. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

Next stop, the Twilight Zone! –R. Serling

"Never give up, never surrender!" –Captain Peter Quicy Taggart

New France: 20,000 people, 10 first names.

NEW from Ralston Purina: Newby-flavored Bard Chow

Nice boy, but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth. –F. Leghorn

Nice boy, but he's about as sharp as five pounds of wet leather. –F. Leghorn

Nightmare: Cats with opposable thumbs.

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist. –Oscar Wilde

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man. –Heraclitus, philosopher (c. 540-470 BCE)

No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities. --Christian Nestell Bovee, author

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session." (Judge Gideon J. Tucker, 1866.)

No mistakes today = New and better mistakes tomorrow.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

No one would be foolish enough to choose war over peace - in peace sons bury their fathers, but in war fathers bury their sons. –Croesus of Lydia, 595-547 BC

Nostalgia: (n) The sensation of the good old days, magnified by a bad memory.

"Not bad for an amphibian." –Kermit, Muppet Treasure Is.

Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. –James Baldwin

Nothing a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster won't cure!

Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.

Nothing wrong that reincarnation won't cure.

"Not only does God play dice with the universe, the dice are loaded." -- "Chairman Sheng-Ji Yang" (fictional character), computer game "Alien Crossfire"

Not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. –George Sala

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates. --Mark Twain, 1835-1910

No WANNA learn nother language; 'nuff trouble wid dis 1!

Now is the Solstice of the Year ... –I. Anderson

Now they've re-possessed the Rolls Royce and the mink. –I. Anderson

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Obsequium parit amicos; veritas parit odium. –Cicero (Compliance produces friends; truth produces hate.)

Of all I've lost, I miss my mind the most!

Of COURSE I did, you nobhead, I'm a soldier! –l.lamour

Of course, organizing writers is like herding cats.

Often heard but seldom seen. –I. Anderson

"O God!  Like the thunderbird of old, I shall rise again out of the sea, I shall grab the instruments of the white man’s success – his education, his skills.  With these new tools, I shall build my race into the proudest segment of your society." –Chief Dan George

"Oh, but I don't agree with this."   "I'm not sure I do either, even though I said it this very morning." –Quinn Tyler Jackson

Oh, the times are hard and the credit's lean... –I. Anderson

Okay, who let the sane people in? –C. Chittom

Okay, who put the "Stop Payment" on my reality check?

On a clear disk you can seek forever

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky. –Rainer Rilke

Once upon a time a man whose ax was missing suspected his neighbor's son.  The boy walked like a thief, looked like a thief, and spoke like a thief.  But the man found his ax while digging in the valley, and the next time he saw his neighbor's son, the boy walked, looked and spoke like any other child. --Lao-tzu, philosopher (6th century BCE)

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish....–Dr. S

One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years.  To read is to voyage through time. –Carl Sagan, astronomer and writer (1934-1996)

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. –Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

One sandwich short of a picnic.

"One sure certainty about our Memorial Days is that as fast as the ranks from one war thin out, the ranks from another take their place.  Prominent men may run out of Decoration Day speeches, but the world never runs out of wars.  People talk peace, but men give up their life's work to war.  –Will Rogers (1879-1935)

One tentacle, one vote.

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. –Pablo Picasso

Only remember - west of the Mississippi it's a little more look, see, act.  A little less rationalize, comment, talk.  --F.  Scott Fitzgerald, 1896-1940

Only some of us can learn by other people's mistakes. The rest of us have to be the other people. –Chicago Tribune

Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible.

Operator Error.  Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Operator!  Trace this call and tell me where I am.

"Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and caffeine." –Unknown

Other than that, Mrs. Kennedy, how was the parade?

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

Other than that, Yoko, how do you like New York?

"Our people will sleep for 100 years and when they awaken, it will be the artists who bring their spirits back." –Louis David Riel

Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. –Seneca

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. –Groucho Marx

Oz!? No - Aahz. No relation.

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Pardon me boys, is that the cat that chewed my new shoes?

Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic. –Jean Sibelius

PC 31 said "We caught a dirty one . . ."

Peed skills! ...er, no... Pill skeeds! –F. Freddy

People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

People who invite trouble always complain when it accepts. –Lane Olinghouse

PEPPAN is just an American-mangle-isation of PEPIN

Peter Pan's gots kids?

PhD = Piled high and Deep. - K. Rhodes

Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.  --Richard Feynman, 1918-1988

Picture - if you will . . .

Pieces of seven!  Pieces of seven!  Parroty error detected.

Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem (THWACK). –M.Python

Pi R squared? No, Pi R round.  Cornbread R squared.

Played poker with Tarot. Got a Flush.  Five people died.

Politicians & Diapers need to be changed -- for the same reason.

Politics are silly; politicians even sillier.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies. --Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx, 1890-1977

Popping pop corn and looking for a comfy chair.

Pornography is in the eye of the bowlder.

Pornography?  Nah!  Haven't you ever seen 5 people in love?

Preserve your right to arm bears!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit

"Press to test."           <click>           "Release to detonate."

Proofread carefully to make sure you don't any words out.


Psst! Your .ZIP file is open.

Public hysteria is no substitute for the facts. –G. Willard


Pulling roses & daffodils--mayhem in the high degree! –I. Anderson

Pull the other one!

Putt knot yore trussed in spilling checquers –Fang



Question your own authority.

Quoth the Raven, "Eat my shorts!" –B. Simpson

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Race Car spelled backwards is Race Car.

RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Ready money is Aladdin's lamp.  --Lord Byron, poet (1788-1824)

Reality crept in and I nailed it for trespassing!

Reality-ometer: [\........]      Hmmph!  Thought so...

Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile. –Sir Wilfred Grenfell

Really don't mind if you sit this one out. –I. Anderson

Reincarnation: Life sucks, then you die.  Then, life sucks again...

Remember when a hard drive was a long trip by automobile.

Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

Reports of my sanity have been greatly exaggerated.

Reunite Gondwanaland!

Road Kill Cafe: Identify it and you can eat it FREE!

Room service: Send cherries, whipped cream & a silk scarf.

Running on the power of a stolen mandolin. –I Anderson

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Sale: Parachute, used once, never opened, small stain

Save it for a rainy day. (Oh, look, clouds.)

Save the Easily Offended -- Ban Everything!

Save your breath for your inflatable date.

Say it with flowers -- Send a Triffid.

`Schizophrenic?' No, we prefer the word `Imaginative'.

`Schizophrenic?' No, we prefer the word `multi-facetted'

Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers.

SEATTLE: A Duwamish word meaning 55 degrees and raining.

Seattle drivers brake for slugs.

Seattle: Home of the Latte Lemming

Seattlites don't tan - we rust!

Seen God? Sure--sat 'tween him an' Elvis on the UFO!

Sense is not cognition but sensation. (Douglas Robinson)

Senseless Massacre and Carnage?!?  Where do I sign up?!?

Sex is one of the nicest things you can do for your body.

SEX: ( )Male ( )Female (*) Yes

She has the attention span of a turnip...

She turned me into a newt, but I got better.

She wrote a long letter on a short piece of paper.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Shout, if you will, but that just won't do. –I. Anderson

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on. -- anonymous

Since you're not using your brain, may I play with it?

Sit down as strangers will, let the stress unload. –I. Anderson

SLEDGE-O-MATIC: For life's most difficult problems.

Sleep: The Karmic Payback for inadequate caffeine intake.

Smith & Wesson: the ORIGINAL point-and-click interface!

So dumb they couldn't drive a nail in a snowbank... –S.S.

Somebody wake me.  I've been sleeping too long. –I. Anderson

Some days the muse sings, others she coughs up hairballs.

Some mornings it's not worth gnawing through the rope.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.  Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations.  When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.  -- George Carlin (1937-2008)

Some of this - some of that - cook til done.

Someone named Abbey...Abbey Normal. –Igor

Some people have one of those days. I have one of those lives.

Some suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. –Mark Twain

Sometimes life is what happens to your plans. –John Lennon

Sometimes the best way to convince someone he is wrong is to let him have his way. –Nashville Banner

Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield

Songs from the wood make you feel much better.  –I.Anderson

Sorry about the crayon. I can't have any sharp objects.

So simple, even a cab driver could do it.

"So tell me, just how long have you had this feeling that no one is watching you?" (Christopher Locke: Entropy Gradient Reversals)

So, THAT'S how the footprints got in the Jello!

Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. –Douglas Adams

Spike Jones and his City Slickers are murdering the classics.

Stare that beastie in the face and really give him hell. –I. Anderson

Stealing taglines, eh? Book'em, Dano. "Grand Theft Motto"

Stealth Condoms: They'll never know when you're coming.

Stop screaming or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

"Stop that, son. You'll go blind."             "I'm over here, Dad.

Strange are the workings of my subconscious. –M.Bottorff

The structure of a play is always the story of how the birds came home to roost. -- Arthur Miller, 1915 - 2005

STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP!  Park somewhere else!

Stupid people shouldn't breed.

Submissions: 6, Rejections: 2

Sure, it's clean laundry.  The cat's on it, isn't she?

Sure, when-- OINQUE FLAP OINQUE FLAP ... Well, I'll be....

Synonym: (n) A word that you use when you cannot spell the word you want to use.

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Tact: How you made the poster stay on the wall.

Taglines: The Bumper Stickers of the 90's!

Talk in confidential terms, share a dark unspoken fear. –I. Anderson

"Thanksgiving Day!  In the days of our founders, they were willing to give thanks for mighty little, for mighty little was all they expected… Those old boys in the Fall of the year, if they could gather a few pumpkins, potatoes and some corn for the Winter, they was in a thanking mood. But if we can't gather in a new car, a new radio, a new tuxedo and some Government relief, we feel like the world is agin us."  --Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Thank you * Thank you * Thank you * Thank you * Thank you

That's beside the point, but, then, so are his ears...

That's enough to irritate the Good Humor man.

"That's not really a smile.  It's a bunch of teeth messing with my mind." –Face (A-Team)

That's the trouble with bein' a hermit, y'feel so cutoff.

That's worse than a poke in the stick with a sharp eye!

That was then, I'm out of now. –Ma Gumbie

That which does not kill me makes me stronger.

The ancestors you can find aren't yours.

The beauty of the pun is in the "aaiiee" of the beholder.

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart. –Helen Keller

The cardinal doctrine of a fanatic's creed is that his enemies are the enemies of God. -Andrew Dickson White, diplomat, historian, and educator (1832-1918)

The Comma Sutra -- the guide to Grammatic Satisfaction.

The covers of some books are too far apart.

The day is okay, and the sun can be fun ... –BOC

The dreams you'd hear if the streets could talk.

The eyes shout what the lips fear to say. –Will Henry

"The fact that nobody understands you doesn't make you an artist." –Unknown

The Finer Things in Life don't come with five-figure price tags or fancy emblems on the hood.  Pity so few people see that any more. –Clayton McKee, 27 March 1995

The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions. --James Russell Lowell, poet, editor, and diplomat (1819-1891)

The four basic food groups: Spam, spam, eggs, and spam.

The geoduck is the Washington state bird.

The Gods do have a sense of humor.  Example: the platypus

The gods, too, are fond of a joke. –Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

The great advantage of telling the truth is that one is so much more likely to sound convincing. –Susan Howatch

The greatest blunders, like the thickest ropes, are often compounded of a multitude of strands.  Take the rope apart, separate it into the small threads that compose it, and you can break them one by one.  You think, "That is all there was!"  But twist them all together and you have something tremendous. –Victor Hugo, Les Misirables

The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and have it found out by accident. –Charles Lamb

the grey shadowcat, scratcher in sand

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions. –George Carlin (1937 - 2008), Napalm and Silly Putty

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. –Douglas Adams

The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.

The Law of Maximum Inconvenience is always operational.

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another, and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it. –J.M. Barrie, novelist and playwright (1860-1937)

The lions were under-fed.

The lunatics have taken charge of the asylum. –rr

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. –Mark Twain

The media finally figured out that their "paying customers" (i.e. advertisers) don't WANT an intelligent, thoughtful audience.  And they no longer have one." (Rich Tietjens)

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. –Peter F. Drucker

The most important things in life aren't things. –Illinois First Christian Church

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

The next time I send a damn fool I'll go myself. –Sam Goldwyn

Then, something went wrong for Fay Wray and King Kong ...

The only time I get to open my mouth is to change feet.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.  The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. –Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

The Past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. –L.P. Hartley

The peasants are revolting!  And they're pissed off, too.

The penalty that good men pay for not being interested in politics is to be governed by men worse than themselves. –Plato, philosopher (427-347 BCE)

The pen is the tongue of the mind.

The polls show 8 out of 5 schizophrenics agree.

"The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to start because of the following error: The operation completed successfully." (Windows NT Server v3.51)

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore.  We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." –James D. Nicoll

The rain insane falls mainly on the brain. –B.Jernigan

Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper. –KS

There are few things better than being owned by a cat!

There are 40 kinds of lunacy, but only one kind of common sense. -–African Proverb

There are gems and jerks in any walk of life. –K. Rhodes

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." –William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 5.

There are normal outpatients & there are writers. –New York Times

There are times when silence has the loudest voice. –Leroy Brownlow

There can't be a crisis today; my schedule's already full

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened. –Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

"There is a wicked pretense that one has been informed. But no such thing has truly occurred! A mere slogan, an empty litany. No arguments are heard, no evidence is weighed. It isn't news at all, only a source of amusement for idlers." (Gibson-Sterling, The Difference Engine)

There is no death. Only a change of worlds. –Seattle [Seatlh] (1786-1866) Suquamish chief

There is no need to sally forth, for it remains true that those things which make us human are, curiously enough, always close at hand.  Resolve then, that on this very ground, with small flags waving and tiny blasts of tiny trumpets, we have met the enemy, and not only may he be ours, he may be us. –Walt Kelly (1913 - 1973)

There is no nonsense so errant that it cannot be made the creed of the vast majority by adequate government action. –Bertrand Russell

There is pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture in the lonely shore,
There is society where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but nature more.
                  –Lord Byron, poet (1788-1824)

The reluctance to put away childish things may be a requirement of genius. –Rebecca P. Sinkler

There's a difference between opinion and conviction. My opinion is something that is true for me personally; my conviction is something that is true for everybody - in my opinion. –Sylvia Cordwood

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."  --Oscar Levant

There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. –Sydney J. Harris

There was a warm wind with the high tide... –I. Anderson

The search for a new personality is futile; what is fruitful is the interest the old personality can take in new activities. –Cesare Pavese

The sex was so good, even the neighbors lit cigarettes.

The shortest distance between 2 points is off the wall.

"The spaces in between leave room for you and I to grow." –G. Lee

The Sun!  That big bright nasty thing up there is the Sun.

The town was filled with smoke and hate. –I. Anderson

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow. –Robert Orben

The truth will set you free -- it will get you fired, but will set you free. –Bill Maher, Politically Incorrect, 6/21/02

"The war isn't the war between the blacks and the whites, the liberals and the conservatives, or the Federation and the Romulans. It's between the clueful and the clueless." (an anonymous poster on cypherpunks list)

The wages of sin are Death, but the work's pretty good!

'The words "oh" and "bugger" would seem to be appropriate.' -–outtake from Black Adder: Back & Forth

They call it Stormy Monday –I. Anderson

They're coming to take me away, ah ha, oh ho, hee hee!

They searched all night, we were never found. –I. Anderson

"They talk of my drinking, never my thirst." –Scot proverb

They tapdance not, but neither do they fart.

"They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.  They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile. They used treachery.  They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.  They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him." -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"

Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out. –Art Linkletter

Things you never hear people say: Hand me that piano.

Things you never hear people say: Please saw my legs off.

Think hard now.  Which one is Shinola?

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. –Will Rogers (1879-1935)

"This is all very interesting, and I daresay you already see me frothing at the mouth in a fit; but no, I am not; I am just winking happy thoughts into a little tiddle cup." (Nabokov, Lolita)

"This is Gore Vidal for Thunderbird wine." –R.Williams

This is just a fig newton of your immigration.

"This is me.  Like it or lump it." –Kate Winslet

This is weird.  Very weird. I like it! –S. Skelly

This message will self destruct in 5 seconds ... four ...

This new dance --The Mud Shark-- is sweeping the ocean! –F. Zappa

This perpetual round of constrained civilities to persons quite indifferent to us, is the most provoking and tiresome thing in the world. 'tis a shocking and unworthy way of spending our precious and irrecoverable time. –The Early Journals & Letters of Fanny Burney (18th c)

This tagline is umop apisdn

Thou shalt know the truth, and it shall make thee freake.

"Thoughts & words are like arrows; once released, they strike their mark.  Guard them well for one day you may be your own victim." –a Navajo quote.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. –Joseph Addison, writer (1672-1719)

"Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana."  --Groucho Marx

'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.

"To be nobody but myself --in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." --E.E. Cummings, poet (1894-1962)

To be, or-- Damn! –R.Williams

To boldly go where no sane person has any business going.

To cats and children, "No" means "Not while I'm looking."

To communicate with Mars, converse with spirits,
To report the behaviour of the sea monster,
Describe the horoscope, haruspicate or scry,
Observe disease in signatures."
                  --T.S.Eliot (1888 – 1965)

Today's breakfast special at the RoadKill Cafe: Flapcats

Today's special at the Roadkill Cafe: Shepherd Surprise

To dream is the most important thing the powers above have given us, to give up on those dreams is to ignore the majesty of the universe. –Rea Gordair of the good ship DragonsFyre

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. –Henri Bergson

To hell with user friendly.  Will it keep beer cold? –M. Nellis

Tongue prints are as unique as finger prints.

"Tonto, we're surrounded by Indians."       "What you mean we?"

Too many questions but there are answers too few. –I. Anderson

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful." –Mae West

To poldly bow air mobius gumby four. –Trek on Novocaine.

To steal this tagline press <Ctl> <Alt> <Del> now.

To tell the sex of a chromosome, pull down its genes.

To the best of our knowledge, we are not schizophrenic.

To the British, George Washington was a terrorist.

To the south lies The Mountain, a glory to behold. –B. Bowers.

"Truth is shorter than fiction."--Irving Cohen

Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. –Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

Turn on, log in, fight spam.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. –Maori proverb

Turn your head to the left and cough, please.

Twit hunting keeps us young and full of vigor. –Hossie

Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest.

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Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!

Under certain circumstances profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. --Mark Twain

Unless you are hemorrhoids, get off my ass!

Unzip, expand, explode!  What pervert came up with this!?

Up, ride the kelpie. I'll steal your soul to the deep. --I. Anderson

URA redneck if the family business requires a lookout.

Used to have a handle on life, but recently it fell off.

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no bird sang there except those that sang best. –Henry Van Dyke



Vanity plates: Taglines for cars.

VATICAN.COM ERROR (C)onfess (R)epent (B)urn

Vegetarians eat vegetables; beware of humanitarians!

Veni vidi snarfus

Voodoo acupuncture: You don't have to go. –Wright

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Wagner's music is better than it sounds. –M. Twain

Waiting for the electrician or someone like him. –Fire Sign Theater

Wanna get *really* stoned?  Drink wet cement.

WARNING... Drinking tap water may kill your thirst!

Warped minds *DO* think alike.

Warriors only kill you; Bards tell about it forever!!!

Watch the short jokes or I'll bite you on the ankle!

We all live in a yellow subroutine.

We all travel the milky way together, trees and men... trees are travellers, in the ordinary sense.  They make journeys, not very extensive ones, it is true: but our own little comes and goes are only little more than tree-wavings--many of them not so much. –John Muir, naturalist, explorer, and writer (1838-1914)

"We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars." –Oscar Wilde, Irish dramatist and poet

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. –Walt Kelly

We are the results of the joys & sorrows of our ancestors. –L. Peppan

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. –George Carlin (1937 - )

We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it. –Eeyore (A.A. Milne)

We crossed through fields of midnight green. –I. Anderson

WEEN-dows??  We don't need no steenkeeng Weendows!!

We got rid of the kid . . . the Cat was allergic.

We have assumed control ... we have assumed control ...

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. –Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Well, all the jokes can't be good.  You've got to expect that once in a while."  --Groucho in Animal Crackers

Well, the fly's in the milk and the cat's in the stew –I. Anderson

We'll wait in stone circles, 'til the force comes through. –I. Anderson

"We must cherish our inheritance.  We must preserve our nationality for the youth of our future.  The story should be written down to pass on". –Louis Riel

We need to learn to set our course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship. –Omar Bradley

We occasionally cut his fingernails off and smoke them.  --I. Anderson

We occasionally cut his fingernails off and smoke them. –I. Anderson

We're all here because we're not all there . . .

We're all proud of making little mistakes.  It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones. –Andrew A. Rooney

We shall live again. –P. Smith

We should understand that all things are the works of the Great Spirit. ~Black Elk, Oglala Sioux

We stole the screams from out their mouths... –I. Anderson

Whadda we do now, Pierre?  Th'Mounties have us surrounded.

What a long, strange trip it's been... –J. Garcia

What are you doing?  The message is over, GO AWAY!

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

What did I get on the IQ test . . . ?  Drool.

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on him?" –Marilyn Pittman

What do we do next, Doctor?

What do you mean this message isn't anonymous?

Whatever you do, don't give up. Because all you can do once you've given up is bitch. I've known some great bitchers in my time. With some it's a passion, with others an art. –Molly Ivins

What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.

What has four legs and an arm ... ? A happy rottweiler.

What if only SOME of my personalities plead insane?

What is objectionable, what is dangerous, about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents. - Robert F. Kennedy

What kind of girl do you think we are?

What makes a man a man ?  A friend of mine once wondered.  Is it his origins?  I don't think so.  It's the choices he makes and how he makes them .  --Agent John  T. Myres, Hellboy

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -Ursula K. Le Guin, author (1929--  )

What sculpture is to a block of marble, education is to a human soul. –Joseph Addison, essayist and poet (1672-1719)

What's that?  Oh no, not *another* brick wall!

What's the matter, Columbia, you've eaten Eddie before.

What's the point spread on WWIII? –R.Reagan

"What's this?"   ::CRASH::   "Hope it wasn't expensive ..."

When a man with pointy ears and tights tells you your boozed-up buddy in the corner is destined to be the saviour of the world, you know it's time to leave the party.

When an agnostic dies, he goes to the Great Perhaps?

When art shows now and what, it is trivial entertainment, whether optimistic or despairing. When it asks why, it rises from emotional response to real statement, and to intelligent ethical choice. It becomes not a passive reflection, but an act. –U. K. Le Guin, 1973/1979

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? –George Carlin (1937 - )

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. –Mae West (1892-1980)

Whenever I start feeling blue, I just remember to start breathing again. –N. Bouffard

"Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present.  There is each man as he sees himself, each man as the other person sees him, and each man as he really is."  --William James, psychologist and philosopher (1842-1910)

"When God throws, the dice are loaded" –Greek Proverb

When in doubt. . . ? Mumble.

When in doubt, WASH! –feline maxim

When I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.

When I woke up I was eating goatmilk cheese & limabeans. --Nate the Snake Johnson

When Satan plays records backwards, he hears Yoko.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.  -- H. Allen Smith

When we listen to Palyatchee, we get itchy & scratchy...

When we walk to the edge of all the light we have and take the step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen.  There will be something solid for us to stand on or we will be taught to fly. –Patrick Overton

When writing is outlawed, only outlaws will be writers!

[when writing] You've got to get in the habit of harvesting all the acreage. The pretty flowers are great, but the bent and twisted and screwy ones are more interesting. –Caroline Sharp

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way you will command the attention of the world. –George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us. –Sydney J. Harris

When you've got them by the balls, heart & mind follows!

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice. –Cherokee Proverb

Which one of my enemies told you that?

Whipped cream -- it's not *just* for dessert!

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why doesn't this magnet pick up floppy disks?

Why does this world seem like the darkest endless night? –I. Anderson

Why don't come up some time and ... see me? –Mae West

Why do they have braille on drive-up AMTs?

Why is it turbulence rhymes with ambulance? –L.Campbell

Why should I add to my troubles by facing reality?

Windows 95: (n) Proof that P.T. Barnum was right.

With all the raw cunning and intelligence of a grapefruit

Without sleep, life would be just another day.

Wit levels low.  Attempting to compensate.

Words are a mirror of their times.  By looking at the areas in which the vocabulary of a language is expanding fastest in a given period, we can form a fairly accurate impression of the chief preoccupations of society at that time. –John Ayto, lexicographer

Wreck the Malls with Cows on Harleys, falalalala,lalalala

Writers' Blessing: Metaphors be with you. –SD Gause

Writers do it everywhere.

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Yes, you are being difficult, but I appreciate perversity

Yet, you say that milk and honey's just round the bend. –I. Anderson

You ain't seen nuthin' yet, b-b-b-baby.

You always pick the best time to rise to the fight. –I. Anderson

You and me against the world?  Great!  When do we attack?

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. –Boris Yeltsin

You can *never* have too many backup copies.

You can strap a Stratocaster onto a chimpanzee and turn the volume up to twelve and for a few seconds it's going to sound brilliant, you know. –Nick Saloman

You don't want to know where I punch.

You had better leave for if one bullet is lost, there are five more ready, and the room is too small for even a woman to miss six times. -- Phoebe Pember

You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge, as the plant has root, bud and fruit.  Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have this animal magnetism--you attract animals.

You in the back row. Stop laughing or leave the room.

You in the red shirt--check out that noise! –J.T. Kirk

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it. –H.C.Henhouse, III

You know you are a re-enactor when your 19th century wardrobe outnumbers your 21st century wardrobe, and your solution to the diminishing closet space is to remove more of the 21st century stuff and just go ahead and wear the 19th century wardrobe today.

Young man, give me that knife. –Sister M. Elephant

Your e-mail has been returned for insufficient voltage.

Your Honor, I wish to plead permanent insanity.

You're never completely dressed unless you're wearing cat hair.

You're never too old to rock and roll . . . –I. Anderson

You're twisted, perverted, and sick. I like that.

Your proctologist called.  He found your head.

You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars.

"You should have been there" –Dr. Winston O'Boogie

You've got a point -- bless your little head!

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. –Professor Wagstaff

You've paid the piper and called the tune . . . –I. Anderson

You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. –Colonial American proverb

You *will* get what's coming to you...unless it's mailed!

You would think a title like that would come with minions. –Glenn Foden

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!neercs eht fo edis gnorw eht no er'uoy ,siht ees uoy fI

!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE

|| A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | ! ||

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If you enjoyed this page, you will probably enjoy The Lair Of Fang-Face DreamWeaver and The Encyclopedia Michael Nellis at >www.angelfire.com/scifi/dreamweaver/index.html Click on the spinning globe.


And if you were ever a recipient of FIDOnet echoes Writing amd Bardroom, you will want to look at...


created 31 January 2006

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